While today dawned with the promise of being a different day, a better one, than yesterday...it kinda took turn for something that seems even worse than yesterday.
To give you an insight into my regular 'week' days, I wake up at about 9:30 these days, immediately followed by baby waking up. Then follows a series of never-ending 'baby-related' tasks such as brushing her teeth, feeding her, giving her a sip of my coffee (DON'T be shocked! She is MY daughter after all :P ) getting her to have something at least that would pass as breakfast. This ordeal (for me, not her) is followed by the changing of the diaper and dressing her in 'day clothes'. Then prepare lunch, unless I was 'prepared' (read lucky) enough to have cooked a little extra yesterday followed by bidding the husband good bye. Then feed Allie lunch, and get her to sleep. Then have lunch myself. By then, Allie wakes up.. And, I forgot to mention, sing songs, dance like a mad person, laugh like I'm crazy, jump like a monkey on hot bricks - to entertain Allie so that she doesn't cry. Calm her down if she's upset.. you get the idea.
Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE my daughter. Just plain LOVE her like crazy. BUT I need a break.Unfortunately, any idea of 'break' means Allie in tow...the one time I did go out without her and the husband felt like something was missing - a story for another time, that one.
So, coming to the point I was trying to make...does wanting a 'break' from my baby, and husband, once in a while, make me a 'bad' person? Does it make me someone who doesn't appreciate what I have? Does it mean I am not 'into' them? Does it mean I don't love them enough or care enough or am selfish? For some weird reason, I have been at the receiving end of a look or a sigh or an expression that implies the aforementioned thoughts (not from the husband, and definitely not from my baby who was too happy welcoming me back the one time I did leave her) And, after acknowledging to myself that nobody can make me feel guilty if I look out for myself, I have decided that I care two hoots about anyone else's opinions :) And, I take great pleasure in making it obvious!
That realization and acknowledgment however doesn't stop these, and many other questions of the kind from popping up from time to time.. Is it some untold, unlisted rule that a mother / wife HAS to put her child / husband first, ALL THE TIME, and forget that she is a person too, with an identity that goes beyond 'so-and-so's' mother or wife?Just because moms / wives from earlier generations have done it, should I compulsorily carry on doing the same? Can't I have my 'life', my likes n dislikes that don't necessarily allow the baby and / or husband to worm their way into these? When, if ever, will I have the liberty to do as I please without being made to feel like I'm committing a crime by putting myself first - once in a while?
2 comments:
You should read this (third entry on the page)
http://fortyfiveminutes.blogspot.com/
Read it a few months ago...But that still doesn't stop these questions, and the guilt sometimes, from piling on :(
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